Happy Easter: WTF Edition

When it comes to holidays, I can be subversive; remember my recent Valentine’s Day essay/rant? Well, I’m the same way with Easter. Despite being raised in a Catholic household, it’s a holiday that I’ve never really embraced or celebrated. In fact, what with its constant annual shifting of dates, the day could come right up and I wouldn’t even know it … like this year.

Growing up, I always thought Easter was something of a gyp, even though in the Catholic calendar it was considered THE holiest of holy holidays, you know, what with Jesus rising from the dead and all. In fact, it was considered to be even more important than Christmas, if that’s even possible! But instead of gifts and toys, on Easter Day all you woke up to was a basketful of chocolate rabbits, gummy bears, little Hershey kisses and Easter eggs, which were the greatest scam of all, because no matter how gala you color the outer shell, what lies underneath is still a hard-boiled egg, and there isn’t a kid on earth that likes hard-boiled eggs. Let’s not even get into the impact that much candy has on the world’s rampant childhood obesity problem.

And the Easter Bunny … wassup with that? Another scam! The thought of a single rabbit hopping around the world distributing candy to the world’s kids always seemed illogical to me, even more than a fat guy who basically breaks into your house by sliding down the chimney. Speaking of getting in, I’ve always been unclear on the Easter Bunny’s mode of entry … how does he even get in the house? Does he hop around jimmying windows open with a crowbar, because that sounds like breaking and entering to me. In any event, I don’t know about you, but unless it’s Bugs, Roger or Jessica (or, to a lesser degree, Brer, or that peevish rabbit from the Winnie The Pooh stories … another example of animals behaving illogically), I don’t want rabbits hopping around my house, mainly because they’re always leaving little bunnies and/or tiny poop balls in their wake.

Thank God my parents never subjected me to an actual visit with a department store Easter Bunny, because I would probably would have projected some of the same unfortunate looks as the poor kids depicted in this disturbing gallery (check it out after the jump). Even at this early juncture, you can tell some of these kids are in for years of adult therapy in an attempt to permanently eradicate the thoughts of that fateful Easter Sunday when their little psyches were scarred forever.

But hey, if you’re into it, don’t let my grumpiness rain on your (Easter) parade. Hope it is/was a fun, happy day devoid of freakish rabbits and bizarre bunnies!